In Defense of the Christian Man
I’ve heard it said many times that saved guys are “boring” as boyfriends and the few who are not “boring” are considered to be hypocritical because there’s no difference between them and those who aren’t saved except that they call themselves Christians- they claim that title; but that’s all it is- a title. The reason I’ve put the word boring in quotation marks is because the word lacks a clear definition when it is used to describe Christian boyfriends. Are they boring because (more often than not) they spend their Sunday mornings in church rather than in bed nursing a hangover? Or is it because they are sooo freaking considerate and sweet and all the while you’re wishing they’d muscle up, maybe even roughen up and give you a bit of a hard time? Would you rather have the bad boy who acts like he doesn’t give a shit about you (probably because he doesn’t) and forces you to spend endless hours with your girlfriends trying to decipher his words and actions just so you can FINALLY know whether or not he likes you back? “I caught him staring at another chic’s ass but then he turned and winked at me before blowing me a kiss… I think he likes me. I can’t stop him from appreciating beauty when he sees it.” Get real! The bastard has the audacity to check out some chic right in front of you because he couldn’t care less about you, your feelings or your opinion of him. If you got so angry about the ogling that you walked out on him, I bet you my last shilling he wouldn’t come running after you. He’d probably go after the ass he was ogling. So what exactly do you mean when you call saved guys “boring”? Are they boring ‘cause they don’t treat you like crap? You say you want a “real” man. But what is the measure of masculinity? Does a man cease to be one when he is gentle, sober, calm or considerate?
Okay, I know that not all saved guys display the character I’ve described above. There are those whose nature resembles that of the unsaved more than it does Jesus’. These are the ones who make Christianity seem like it is just a title to be worn. My pal told me that there’s no reason for her to limit herself to dating (or even marrying) a Christian ‘cause there’s no difference between them and the rest of the men out here. I understood her perfectly- I’ve seen and heard of so many Christian men who have deeply hurt their girlfriends/wives and families- but I did not agree with her. Though a saved man and one who isn’t may seem starkly alike, they are not. The difference is the Holy Spirit; and He makes one hell of a difference. All Christians are works in progress, none has “arrived”. Even Paul who was one of the greatest apostles did not consider himself to have “taken hold of it” (Philippians 3:13). God works on every believer, chipping away at their character, their morals, their beliefs and whatever else He needs to chip at in order to transform them into beings that are less like themselves and more like Him. “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose” Philippians 2:13. The Christian you saw behaving badly (mind you he was behaving badly according to your standards- and who are you to judge?) has God working on Him; the unsaved guy doesn’t. For this reason alone, there is more hope for the saved guy than for the unsaved one and consequently, there’s more hope for you if you married the saved one.
I don’t know about you, but trust doesn’t come easily for me. The only people I trust are God and I. When all is said and done and when everything comes to naught, those are the two who remain. God has proven Himself faithful more times than I am able to count; He has earned my trust (not that He has to) and is thus worthy of it. As for myself, well, I can’t run from me. When other people desert me or lose faith in me, I remain with me. I never leave. However, it is impossible for me to put this kind of trust in a fellow human being, more so a man. People are screwed up. Trust me, I know- I’m one of them. But besides being screwed up, I think men are also impossible to understand or please. Buy a woman a bouquet of flowers and she lights up. That’s how simple we are- we light up when we see a flower- that will have wilted tomorrow. But a man is quite different… Maybe you’re wondering how I intend to date or even get married if I don’t trust men. Well, I don’t think I have to trust a man completely for me to marry him. In fact I would consider myself a fool if I trusted a man completely. I think for most people, when they say “I do” at the altar, the meaning behind that short phrase is, “I do trust that you will be faithful to keep these vows you have made to me today.” It will be different for me, because I just can’t bring myself to put that kind of trust in man with red blood flowing through his veins. The meaning behind my “I do” will be, “I do trust in the Power of the One you have surrendered your life to and in His ability and willingness (out of His undying love for ME) to stir you towards good works that will bring ME joy rather than pain.” That’s why for me dating or marrying a non-Christian (and I’m not talking religion here) is not an option. I can only date, and consequently marry, a guy who’s saved and whose life is clearly submitted to Christ. I don’t give a shit if he still listens to some secular music, drinks alcohol, raves from time to time or doesn’t fuss about going to church every Sunday. As long as he constantly makes the effort to submit his will to God’s and has God as his Leader and Goal, all the other things that we consider to be “marks of a Christian” (and are often only marks of religion) don’t matter to me. That’s the only way I can ever be able to get into a relationship- knowing that God has my back covered. At least this way I will have a higher Power to appeal to when the guy starts acting like an arse (and they always do).
John Eldredge in his book Wild at Heart writes, “A man is a dangerous thing… God made men the way they are because we desperately NEED them to be the way they are. Yes, a man is a dangerous thing. So is a scalpel. It can wound or it can save your life. You don’t make it safe by making it dull; you put it in the hands of someone who knows what he’s doing… If you want the life he offers, you have to have the danger too. They go together.” We need our men to be dangerous. They fight for us; they protect us; they pray for us- fighting the devil in the spiritual realms on our behalf; they hold us; they reassure us…all these things require them to be fiercely dangerous. We cannot separate the man from the danger; if you want him, you gotta have it all. However there are a few times when we become victims of this dangerous nature. It is then that we need to place that scalpel in the hands of someone who knows what he is doing- and that person, my friend, is God. Instead of trying to tame your man by emasculating him with belittling comments, allow him to be the fiercely dangerous man that he was created to be. Entrust that scalpel to God- it just might save your life. But woe unto you if you’re stuck with an unsaved man, for his spirit is numb to God and whatever impulses God sends his way (for your sake) will fall on deaf ears and a hard heart.
